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One more thin gypsy thief

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Deer Heart [12 Nov 2011|10:49pm]
While I am twisted with longing for answers, I am desperate to know what the questions are.

I really sang for the first time in years, this evening, in the sacred silence of an empty house. My voice is weak in places like a new fawn.

It was like being born.

I have run so far from the thicket that I have run into the thicket again.

I want a heart like a violin string. I want a heart like a lion's teeth. I want a heart like a forest fire.

I have a deer heart.

I want to swallow the sky.
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Dandelions [29 Apr 2011|01:16pm]
I spun a backyard dandelion between my thumb and forefinger, sitting on the grey stairs of the porch. I watched him change the ancient wiper blades. I studied the crack in the windshield and his shoulders. I touched the white milkblood stem to my tongue.

Later I would confess that when I was a little girl, I did not quite grasp the difference between a flower and weed.

Sometimes I think I still don't.

He says he is grateful for the disconnect.

I say

"I love dandelions. I think they are beautiful.

But they don't leave room for anything else."
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Addendum [10 Feb 2011|11:13pm]
IMMEDIATELY upon finishing the previous entry, a pipe in the kitchen ceiling from the upstairs bathroom promptly burst.

At least it's not all in my head. The sky is actually falling.

Maybe I best just stick with bailing.
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February [10 Feb 2011|11:08pm]
I looked all over my room for my paper journal, the one I started after I finished the one I started in 2007 when I was in the hospital, but I couldn't find it and so I am here out of some kind of desperation. I am the kind of sour and disillusioned and crooked-minded that I can only seem to crawl out of when I trap it on paper and close it in a hardcover book that I can tuck on the bookshelf I use as a bedside table. I guess this will have to do.

My fingers are cold and my toes are cold and the engine of the car that my roommate borrowed to drive to work today is apparently overheating and I am in just as much danger of stalling out, but my only gauge is this feeling.

I have barricaded myself in the tiny, cold living room and turned on some hastily constructed last.fm station to add a third barrier between myself and the other occupants of the house. Glass-paned doors, closed curtains, and Sufjan Stevens add up pretty squarely to leave me alone.

I left the car at the mechanic, but I may as well have not because even if they figure out why it is overheating, there is no way I can afford to do anything about it.

I am so caught up in the day-to-day struggle of just trying to scrape by and this evening it struck me how easily someone could spend their life this way. Just living one week to the next, paycheck to paycheck, powerbill to powerbill, mundane calamity to banal catastrophe, over and over forever and ever and ever until you die. It is easy to forget that I ever had any aspirations greater than "somehow conjure groceries" or "make rent by the skin of my teeth".

So much of my energy goes towards bailing out enough water to keep us afloat that I don't even know where I was trying to sail to anymore and with growing dread I realize that I can't see land anywhere. I am adrift in an endless ocean of mundanity. There is no breeze and there are no birds and no matter how hard I work, the reality is still that I am on a sinking ship.

This is not what I wanted. It's not hard to postulate how I got off course into dangerously dull waters and people have made plenty of excuses for me, but it is time for me to look the constellations that I know and stop drowning and start adventuring.

Stars have gotten me out of the dark before.
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[28 Apr 2010|01:27am]
I just went back and individually changed the privacy settings of seven years of LJ entries.

Eat it, paid accounts.

I have been considering taking up journaling in this fashion again for some time. While I desired something of a fresh start journal-wise (and my livejournal can't very well cut ties and fly to Washington state), I was reluctant to build a new one, displeased by the Plus account option, and am too bone poor to afford a name change at the moment. So here we are!

Volume I: fin.
New adventures await.

♥ M
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